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By Paul Merson

An anecdote-driven narrative of the vintage footballer's ‘DOs and DO NOTs’ from the ever-popular Arsenal legend and soccer pundit Paul Merson, aka ‘The Merse’.

When it involves recommendation at the pitfalls of lifestyles as a qualified footballer, Paul Merson can pretty well write the handbook. actually, that is precisely what he is performed during this hilarious new booklet which manages to be concurrently poignant and gloriously funny.

Merson used to be a prodigiously gifted footballer within the 80s and 90s, gracing the higher echelons of the sport - and the tabloid entrance pages - along with his breathtakingly abilities and larger-than-life off-field persona.

His much-publicised battles with playing, drug and alcohol dependancy are at the back of him now, and soccer enthusiasts stay interested in his sharp footballing mind and playful antics on SkySports cult effects exhibit football Saturday.

The booklet delights and entertains with a treasure chest of marvelous anecdotes from a guy who hasn't ever misplaced his love of soccer and his inimitable joie de vivre via a 25-year organization with the gorgeous Game.

The DO NOTs include:
DO now not undertake 'Champagne' Charlie Nicholas as your mentor
DO now not percentage a home with Gazza
DO now not usually position £30,000 bets on the bookie's
DO no longer get so under the influence of alcohol that you just cannot be mindful the ninety mins of soccer you simply performed in
DO no longer deal with Walsall (at any cost)

How to not be a qualified Footballer is a highly enjoyable, relocating and laugh-out-loud humorous story.

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He hated the idea of the chairman speaking to me and planning at the back of his again. ‘You’re no longer in my plans,’ he shouted. ‘How a lot funds do you need the membership to pay you to move? ’ i assumed he was once pulling my leg. ‘Nothing, I don’t are looking to go,’ I acknowledged. ‘I like it the following, boss. ’ It used to be precise; I did like it at Villa. whilst i used to be at Arsenal as a teenager, I hadn’t preferred what an excellent membership it have been until eventually I’d left and signed for Boro. Villa used to be the nearest factor to Arsenal I’d identified because, yet this time i used to be sufficiently old to understand the folk, the lovers and the heritage of the group. i actually desired to remain, yet i'll see that Graham had different principles. ‘Well, you’re no longer enjoying now,’ he stated. ‘It doesn’t appear like you’re going to be taking part in sooner or later both, for you to in addition examine my supply. ’ I acknowledged, ‘If you’re going to be like that, what approximately �100,000 then? ’ Graham obtained out of his seat. ‘Sounds tremendous. supply me 10 mins. ’ He walked out of the workplace and known as Doug. I couldn’t think it – he used to be truly going to get the dough for me. 100 grand was once a yankee for me in these days, yet my international was once spinning, i used to be leaving a staff that I enjoyed. ‘Fuck,’ i presumed. ‘Why didn’t I ask for �200,000? ’ I knew correct then i may have gotten more cash out of him, simply because Graham couldn’t have jumped out of his seat any quicker. Moments later he walked again into the room with a cheque for �100,000 in his arms and that i used to be out of the membership. i used to be devastated, i presumed my international was once approximately to disintegrate, and that i didn’t have a clue the place i used to be going to move subsequent. As I drove domestic i may see the scrapheap looming and that i didn’t are looking to be on it. I knew I had no less than one other yr within the Premiership and that i was once leaving Villa too early. I sat on my couch that afternoon and cried my eyes out. Then the telephone began to ring. It was once Harry Redknapp. HARRY: hi, Merse, Harry Redknapp right here. ME: hi, Harry. What are you as much as? HARRY: I’m liable at Pompey now, son. What approximately you? ME: good, I’m sitting round, scratching my cods, simply because Villa have enable me pass. What are Pompey like? HARRY: (And, God’s sincere fact, those have been Harry’s specified phrases. ) They’re fucking shit, son. They end within the backside part each year, they constantly need to win considered one of their final video games to stick up. I’ve are available and that i can’t think how shit they're. I’ve removed all of the avid gamers, I’ve saved Nigel Quashie and I’ve introduced in an entire new staff on unfastened transfers. Now i want a participant such as you, Merse. Come down, I’ll make you captain and we’ll have a correct fucking cross. ME: I’ve received to prevent you there, Harry. I’m married back now. I’ve received twins in Birmingham. I’m no longer relocating the kin down for a two-year agreement, and that i don’t are looking to be vacationing right down to the coast each day to coach, now not at my age. HARRY: fantastic. I’ll inform you what, son: don’t paintings Mondays, don’t paintings Wednesdays and don’t paintings Fridays. simply ensure you flip it on for me while Saturday comes. ME: i love the sound of that. HARRY: You won’t get the wages you have been on at Villa.

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